Becoming Mom

I was driving home from work the other day and Overcomer by Mandisa came on the radio and these lyrics really hit me:

You're an overcomer
Stay in the fight 'til the final round
You're not going under
'Cause God is holding you right now
You might be down for a moment
Feeling like it's hopeless
That's when he reminds you
That you're an overcomer
You're an overcomer

God no matter what we are going through is holding on to us. Just wow right?!? So many times I feel alone in my battles and fights, but God is right there reminding me I am a overcomer BECAUSE I am HIS daughter. 

I decided I was finally ready to open up about what's been going on in my heart lately, so let's just jump right in... 

Whenever I was asked what do you want to be when you grow up my answer was always a mommy. Sometimes that answer wasn't enough for people, but why? God has given woman this beautiful gift to carry, to love, and to raise His children into amazing followers of Him! 

God gave me this desire in my heart from such a young age, because he wanted me to chase after it. He placed this dream in my heart to fulfill it in His perfect timing. But that didn't make it easy. 

I grew up in a foster home, but I wasn't the child being placed in foster care. I was the child that welcomed other children into my family, and shared my parents with a open heart. Sharing your mommy and daddy with your own siblings is hard enough sometimes, but sharing them with strangers who need your parents more than you do at the time is a whole new level of challenging. As over 30+ kids have come and gone through our household my entire life, God has been preparing me for the desire he put on my heart as a little girl. 

Growing up in a foster home was not easy by any means. I watched my parents selflessly love and care for children who got sent back to their parents. I heard the conversations between them wondering if this is the time they pack the family up and run with their kids. I saw their hearts break every time they handed kids back over. I saw them love endlessly and when people would ask how do you do it I heard their answer of because god called us to take care of the orphans, how can you not do it. As I got older, I felt all the emotions they did. I wanted them to pack up our family and run away so I didn't have to say goodbye to another sibling. My heart broke harder every time we had to hand a child back. I began to love these children more than anything. And then when I was 16 we got a call for two babies... 

One was a 18 month little girl and her newborn baby brother. I took in the little girl, and my mom took her brother. My dad helped me set the crib up in my bedroom and get everything ready for them to come. The social worker came and dropped them off and said "I doubt they will go back to the parents, we expect them to go up for adoption." Whenever you hear that you always try not to get to attached to the idea, but hope they are right. This little girl changed my life forever. My first daughter. I was the one who held her tight and sang to her every time she woke up crying. I was the one she started calling mom. I was the one who got to spoil her with endless love like she had never had before. But it only lasted for 19 days. The judge sent them back home at the first hearing. That's the day I wanted to pack my things and run. Dropping them off with my mom was hands down one of the hardest things we have ever had to do together. I had asked my dad to take down the crib so I didn't have to come home from work to it empty. My heart was broken, and it was all a confusing and emotional situation. But I trusted God. I would always have a place in my heart for her. She actually lived right down the road from us, and I hoped I would run into her everywhere I went and every day on the way to school jack and I would pass her neighborhood and pray and cry and pray harder for Gods hand to be on their life. God saw our hearts and heard our prayers. 

No one accepted my answer fully of what I wanted to be when I grew up until I met Samuel. He not only accepted it, but encouraged me to be the best mommy I could be from the moment he heard my dreams. 

In January 2016 a few months before we got married, I got a text from my mom while she was a foster care meeting that the kids were there and she sent me a picture. I remember sitting in the car with Samuel when I got the text and just falling apart so hard that it took forever for me to explain what was going on. Turns out they had been taken back into custody and one of my moms friends had them. She let us do respite for her for a weekend while she went out of town. Sitting on the floor with Samuel, playing with her and loving on her together is something I never thought I would get. God answered my prayers and gave me that moment I'll never forget. 

Samuel and I knew God had called us to be parents together. Wether it was to our own kids or to kids who needed parents. At the time we didn't realize how trying becoming parents would be. 

I never had regular periods as a teenager, and my doctors suggestion was to try birth control to regulate. I finally decided to give in and try it the February before Samuel and I got married. Everyone was saying I needed to get on birth control anyway... I was miserable! My periods did not become regular instead I bled pretty consistently for a few months. I was so sick and Samuel finally told me I didn't need to put myself through this anymore, that god put the desire to be parents in our hearts for a reason and if I had peace to stop taking it he supported me. Every month we prayed I would have a normal cycle and we celebrated when God answered our prayers. 

In August 2016, I had a normal cycle at the beginning of the month and we decided we were going to start trying for a baby. I didn't have another normal cycle until October, but we were faithful and praying hard that God would bless us with a baby when it was right. It was hard though, waking up and seeing negative everyday really challenged me in my faith. In November after many many negatives, I got a faint positive pregnancy test. The next morning when I got up I felt a gush and when I went to the bathroom I realized I was bleeding. We ended up going to the ER after instructed to by a doctor since they couldn't get me in. We were given two possible theories. 

1. I did in fact miscarry 
2. That I had a cyst mimicking pregnancy and it burst.

Samuel and I didn't talk on the ride home. I couldn't understand why God would give us the positive we so badly prayed for and then take it away. 

It was really hard for me to have hope after this. I blamed myself for us not being able to start a family. I was mad at God for putting the desire to be a mom on my heart, because all it had done was cause me pain and now Samuel too. I was trying so hard to have faith and hope, but seeing negative ovulation and pregnancy tests and not getting my period was getting to me. Finally in February, I got my period, but still no positive ovulation tests. We were still trying and praying through it all. God put this on our hearts, we felt like we were supposed to be trying, but it was hard. 

Seeing negative everyday was really starting to hurt us, so we decided that since I didn't get a positive ovulation test in march I wouldn't take a pregnancy test and in April we would take a break from testing all together to reset. It was so fitting that the first Sunday in April, our pastor, Hunter, preached on hope. It literally felt like he was speaking directly to me. After the sermon, he did a alter call and I felt like God told me to get prayer from Diana and Julian. I told Samuel, he agreed and came up with me. Standing up there as Diana and Julian prayed over us, I watched Samuel fall apart beside me. I never saw all his pain from it all til that very moment. He had been there for me this whole time never showing me his pain, he stood strong for us even when he didn't want to. God did something in us as a couple that day and he knew exactly what words Diana and Julian needed to pray over us. They didn't know the full extent of why we needed prayer, but every word that came out of their mouth was full of Gods love, peace and hope for our future together. 

The next morning during my quiet time, God told me to go take a pregnancy test. I of course argued with him over the topic and decided I wasn't going to do that to myself. Everyday for the next week God told me to get up and take one, and I refused. That Sunday at church, God kept saying put your trust in me and I finally agreed that Monday morning I would take a test after Samuel went to work. 

Monday morning I took out a pregnancy test, prayed and then waited for the results. After 5 really long minutes, I looked at the test and it read positive. I remember sitting on the bathroom floor crying for hours, and then I went to Walmart and bought every type of test they sold and secretly took a test every morning before work to make sure what I was seeing was true. Our anniversary happened to be the next Monday, so I decided if every test came back positive I would tell Samuel then. Every single test came back positive. I couldn't believe it, and it honestly still blows my mind. It shows how big our God is. 

On Good Friday, Samuel, Jack and I went to passion city churches Good Friday service at the amphitheater. Jack knew I was pregnant and we had a really hard time not telling Samuel. (Jack was the first person to know I was pregnant. As soon as I saw positive I had to tell someone, and I also needed someone to pray with me for the next week while I continued to confirm it.) It was such a surreal moment praising God after the miracle he had worked in my body. 

I told Samuel on our anniversary and we have praised God everyday since for the little miracle he did in our lives. 

We love this child more than we ever thought we could love. 

I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him.
1 Samuel 1:27 

What I never realized through the past year is that God made me perfect in His image. That means even though my body to what I thought was not functioning the way it should and was failing me, God has created it perfect and he has a plan for me! He doesn't put desires and dreams in our hearts for no reason. 

It's taken me up to week 26 of my pregnancy to really trust and believe God created my body to do what it is supposed to in perfect timing. Most of my pregnancy I found myself fearful. What if my body failed again and I lost this baby? What if my body doesn't do what it's supposed to at birth? What if...??? God called me out. I again was letting Satan run my mind not God. I need to put my faith and hope in him! And today that's where I am. 

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1 

Becoming a mom is such a hard subject across the board for so many woman. If any of you are in that place in your lives right now, I want you to know you are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are loved by a God who is bigger than you and has great plans for you. Don't listen to the lies that your a failure. God has a plan to give you a future and a hope, even when you don't see them. Set your eyes on him. He loves you so so so much!! 

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 
Jeremiah 29:11 



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